whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
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Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
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whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
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Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds