While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.