I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .