Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
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Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
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She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
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She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Semen is not good for contacts.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...