I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
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Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.