Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Send us your Text From Last Night!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this