He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?