I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
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Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
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I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
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... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face