That bitch ruined vodka saturday
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You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.