Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Send us your Text From Last Night!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade