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Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
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