When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
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Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.