I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding