Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
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There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
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Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.