REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.