Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
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had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?