I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
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He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY