Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
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This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
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Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
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Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.