My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!