I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.