she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful