the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!