High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?