Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.