I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.