My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.