I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups