Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dick very happy bro
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry