We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?