Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...