He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars