I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
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Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
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I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.