Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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do herpes really smell.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.