We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"