Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up