Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky