I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank