Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
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Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
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She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking