I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester