There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"