Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
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Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
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The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha