I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.