I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night