"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
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Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.