I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.