i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.