we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
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I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
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Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns