He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.