I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud