Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain