Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.