I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.