Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Dating After Heartbreak
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant