She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.