Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think about you every night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep