He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.