Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.