chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.