You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
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so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
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It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.