I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
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I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
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My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!