I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW