I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs