He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom