Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.