I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins