Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed