You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.