Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.