There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".