I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.