Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?