Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dating After Heartbreak
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%